Bitter Sweetness

So I have been wondering if I should post this or not. I decided to write it out as therapy and if you are reading this then I have chosen to share it. Life isn't just full of joy and sunshine. It has ups and downs; twists and turns. There are moments that if we let them, they will shake us to the core and make us question our faith or make it stronger (It is our choice). Four weeks ago I had one of these moments. It was a very hard but amazingly spiritual experience with my dear friend C. Three weeks ago I held two tiny angels during their very brief moments here on this earth. Four weeks ago, Bella Grace and Barrett Micheal were born too soon at 23 weeks 3 days.

I have this amazing friend whom words can not describe. She has been through some very hard things in her life but has remained loving, caring, unselfish, brave, and optimistic through out it all. We met each other at work and became good friends while I took care of her as she was stuck in the hospital on bedrest with twins three years ago. These were no ordinary twins, see they weren't her's. She was carrying them for her friends - She was their surrogate. We became even closer when she knowing how much I wanted Maggie to get breast milk, offered to pump breast milk for Maggie. She was already pumping for the twins when we found out about Maggie and she had plenty to spare. This just shows you how giving she is. I lovingly call her Maggie's Milk Momma.

I was very surprised early this year when she told me she was going to do it all again - be a surrogate- for her friends. There was no surprise to me when it ended up being twins yet again. She has gotten a lot of flack from people including friends about doing this again as she was so very sick the last time. It was a very hard decision and one that she didn't make lightly but the unselfish side of her won out after talking to many doctors all over the world about the chances of her getting sick again and hearing that it was a very slim chance.

The pregnancy had gone great so far. Other than some morning sickness she felt and looked great. That all changed a few weeks ago when she started bleeding. She had a small placenta abruption. Although she isn't LDS, I talked with her about priesthood blessings and that night Mike and his brother gave her one. I felt peace and calm come over me as I listened. I took care of her a few days later for a few shifts and she started to bleeding again for me. I was worried and she was scared. All I could think to do (other than being a nurse) was to pray with her. Things calmed down again. Once again I asked if she would like a priesthood blessing and again she accepted. Mike took the missionaries over to the hospital this time and I stayed home. I later learned that it was a good thing I hadn't been there. Mike didn't feel he could give the blessig that was needed so the missionaries helped give the blessing and Mike told me that they didn't mention the babies at all. There wasn't a feeling to do so. They blessed C that everything would be ok with her, she would be safe. They blessed her with peace and calm. Mike didn't mention it to me at the time, and I hadn't asked just assuming everything would be fine. That was Friday night.

Monday morning I lay in my bed listening to Mike and Maggie down stairs. I was trying to remember what I needed to do that day. I remembered making a plan/list of things to do and couldn't recall them. I gave up and went down stairs to eat some breakfast. I had just finished eating when C calls me. Her water had broke in the night and she had been transferred to Denver. She had started bleeding bad that morning and they were going to have to take the babies. I could hear the fear in her voice and the pleading. Knowing her husband could not be there, I asked if her mom was coming. She wasn't sure if she could get off work. "I'll get there as soon as I can. I just have to get dressed". I now new what I needed to do today and it was more important than anything. I grabbed my cameras and video camera. I grabbed snacks and things to do encase it took a while. I went out to the car and a thought came to my mind- blankets. I grabbed a piece of soft fuzzy flannel. Every baby deserves to have a soft blanket (not a sterile hospital one) .

As I drove to Denver my mind was racing. I was thinking of C and the parents. The tragedy that was unraveling. I prayed for peace, that I could give C the comfort and care that she was going to need, and do for the parents (as they were states away and may not be able to be there) what I would want done. Prayed for understanding to know this was Gods will. Peace came over me and stayed with me the whole day and still. I got to the hospital seconds after C's parents and just minutes after the second baby had been born. I was shocked. It had been less then 2 hours since she had called me. The little girl was severly infected and it caused her placenta to abrupt, pull away from the wall. My friends life was on the line. She almost bleed to death, and there was nothing she or the doctors could do but take the babies and her body took over getting them out as fast as it could. My friend looked gray and was sobbing. As I hugged her the nurse announced that the little girl had passed. C's Parents were in shock about everything going on. I went over to look at the two sweet angels. They were perfect and beautiful, just too small and early. C felt so horrible for her friends felling like she let them and the babies down. The filling in the room was that of unsure. No one really knew how to act in the situation. The parents were not there but C was experiencing a loss. The peace came again and I followed the promptings of the spirit a lot that day. My friend said when I walked in the room she knew everything would be ok. I would take care of her and I brought peace with me and filled the room. For weeks I was the only person she could talk to that she didn't cry and fall apart with. I pulled out the material I had brought. I told her how I thought they should have a blanket. I quickly cut it into two small blankets a little bigger then a handkerchief. I asked C if she wanted to hold them. The nurses and C weren't sure if she would want to due to the situation. Being a nurse on the postpartum unit, I know that mothers (weather they be birth, surrogate, or any mother) need to hold the baby especially in time of loss. It helps with grief. The little boy was still alive and they said that he could be so for hours. The staff wanted to know if C wanted them to take the babies to the nursery. I again asked her "do you want to hold them" (feeling the prompting of the spirit and so badly wanting to hold them myself, to love them, to give them comfort). C knew that this was the last thing she could do for her friends and for the babies. She would give the babies that which their parents couldn't being so far away. I lifted the sweat little boy into the soft blanket and wrapped his perfect little body up to keep him warm. I handed him to C as he let out a cry and held tight to her finger. He tried so hard to hang on. I think this was the hardest part. There was no struggling to breath, no gasping, he just laid there and took it all in with his one eye open (the other was still fussed shut not wanting to let go). It was such a helpless felling to know that there wasn't anything to be done. His organs were to immature and would just give out in hours or days even if they tried everything. He also wouldn't have had the chance to be held and cuddled. I wrapped the little girl up and laid her next to her brother on C's chest. She wanted them to stay together. C called her friends and more tears were shed. She put the phone up to the little boys ear and his mom and dad both talked to him over the phone telling him how much they loved him. When his dad started to sing to him, the little boy cried stronger than we had ever heard him. He wanted them to know he was there and heard them.

We kept them together all day. We took pictures and video's. I got to hold the little boy when needed me to. What a sweet memory. As I held him I knew that he had been a very chosen son of our Father in Heaven. I held him up to the window wanting to show him the little bit if the world that we could see and he let out a cry. Maybe it was too bright but may be he was wanting to see more. He lived for 4 hours and passed away quietly. Christal wanted to get everything she could for the parents to help them to have memories. A wonderful program called "Now I lay me down to sleep" came in and took professional pictures of the babies. I got to give them a quick little bath to clean them up and sang softly I am a Child of God as I did so. I felt like it was such a great honor to do this. I had only wished that they had names at that time. Now some people might think that taking pictures of them after they have passed, positioning them in poses is morbid but it isn't. It is celebrating their life, having memories of them so that they are not forgotten. It truly was a great gift. I stayed with C till later that night as she had to get blood. I knew that she would break down when I left but also knew that she needed to do so and her being a lot like me would only do it in private when no one was there.

In the weeks that have followed there have been a lot of feelings. I have thought about our daughters birth mother and about the birth mother of our next child. The feelings of what they have to go through and being on the other side. I have thought about the life of a child. I have always been against abortion but after seeing how perfect these sweet babies were and how hard he tried to live, I am even more convinced that abortion is murder. C has not only had to deal with the physical aspects but also with postpartum depression. This has been so hard for me to watch, feeling so helpless. We finally spent a day and named the twins when the parents were to distraught to do so. We spent hours looking through name books and laughing at some of them It felt good to laugh again with my friend. Since their lives had been so short we wanted names that meant something. We chose Bella as it means beautiful and she was so sweet and beautiful. As were were looking at the end we had a lot of boy names like Joshua or Mathew. We were looking for middle names and I came across Barrett. It means strong as a bear. We laughed as that was what we thought about him. He was so strong. The name was perfect. So Bella Grace and Barrett Micheal were named. They will always be sweet Bella and strong Barrett to her and I as we shared this special time and bond of sisterhood - soul sisters.

It has only been in the last weeks that I have really shed tears. I still feel it an honor to have been there for my friend and for Bella and Barrett. I will always have a special place for them in my heart. I know that someday I will get to meet Bella and Barrett again. I know they felt the love that was there for them that day. I know that God loves us. I know that he doesn't give us trials that we can't handle but he doesn't expect us to do it alone. That is why he has given us family and friends.