"How do I do this?"

My Niece called me a few days ago. She and her husband had been chosen by a birthmom, just waiting for a face to face to make it official. I was so excited for them and all the memories and feelings of the day that Kelsey called us and asked us to be Maggie’s parents rushed over me. My niece had called to asked me the question. “How do I do this?” she asked. Do what? I replied, although I had a feeling what her answer would be. “We haven’t even met her yet, only e-mailed and we love her so much already. How can we put her though so much pain just so we can be parents.” She had watched “16 and pregnant” on MTV and watched the story about the girl who made and adoption plan for her baby. “How do you do it?” she asked again.

This is something that unless you have experienced this first hand you don’t fully understand. You may have a glimmer of understanding if you have been touched by adoption but until you are in those shoes, you don’t understand. I have only been through this once so I am not a pro nor a professional, however I do have 13 years of being a nurse working with new mom’s and babies and have cared for many birthmom’s and adoptive families at the hospitals I have worked for. I have never had an adoptive couple say, "wow that was easier then I thought". Until that day when that baby is placed in your arms you never knew it would be so hard, so bitter sweet.

The day Kelsey placed Maggie into our care was a day etched into my heart forever. This isn't just because it was the day I became a mother, but because my heart broke and sang at the very same time that day.

We walked into the room after waiting for hours for Kelsey to say good bye and sign papers. We were so anxious and excited. I thought I knew what to expect as I had been a part of so many placements at the hospital. I couldn’t stop talking or I would explode. We walked into the room and my heart broke. To see someone I loved so deeply to be in so much pain and agony how could I do this to her. Kelsey’s eyes were swollen almost shut from crying. She had been using icepacks to help. It was hard for her to smile without tears. Her dad was by her side and he looked just as bad. I knew in my heart he wished he could just take this all away from her and take them both home. I went into Nurse mode. I had to help her. I needed to say the right things to help. I said a little prayer and couldn’t help but rush to her side and hug her. Oh how I wished that she didn’t have to go through this pain. I held back my tears as we talked, feeling in my heart as much as I wanted to be a mother I couldn’t do “this” to her. I wanted to take them both home. She turned to me and handed me the most precious thing in her life – Maggie, looked me in the eyes and said two simple words that changed everything, “Thank you”. She was thanking me which I understood. She trusted me to care for Maggie. I knew then that I could do this, she needed me to do this and as hard as it was, she wanted me to do this. Kelsey kissed Maggie on the head and told her" it isn’t because I don’t love you", and tears fell from her face. I wrapped my arms around her and told her we would tell her this everyday and Maggie would know this. I reminded her that this wasn’t goodbye, but see you later. It didn’t seem like much but it was all I had to offer. I stood there holding our daughter as I watched her walk out the door. I held Maggie close and I sobbed, finally able to let free the flood of emotion that I had been holding back. I no longer needed to be strong for Kelsey. The joy I felt as I held my new little one in my arms, I was a mother, yet my heart broke for this girl who had chosen to give my daughter life, her loving mother, my sister, my friend. The sorrow I felt was so over powering, I prayed that someday somehow I would be able to make it up to her, that somehow she would find peace, that somehow we would all understand. I’m not sure how long I stood there sobbing holding Maggie. I just remember Mike holding me and heard him sniffing back tears. The joy started to spread over taking the sorrow and I soon found the peace that Kelsey would be ok. It would be hard but she would make it through. There is still pain and sorrow there in that memory in my heart, yet hand in hand with the joy. The birth family isn't the only ones that have sorrow, but the love the adoptive family has for them makes placement a very bitter sweet day. Adoption is not for everyone, nor is it easy for anyone involved. I can say this from experience. However, I have found that going through those bitter hard times makes the sweet parts even sweeter and worth it.

As I have pondered on this moment many times in the last three years, I have thought about our Heavenly Father. When He sent His Son to earth to die for us, and watched him suffer in the garden and then upon the cross. Did His heart break and sing? The sorrow for His Son, but the joy that we could all now return to him. I’m sure God holds each of us very close in His arms before we come to earth. How could a parent not and knowing what lies ahead of us does His heart break and sing? How can He do this? Because he love us.

Does his heart break for the birthmom and sing for the adoptive mom as He answers both of their prayers. I think it does. Why, because He loves us.

I had a friend who placed a baby as a teenager and after having a very rough day at the hospital dealing with a birthmom, I asked her the same question my niece asked me," How can I do this?". She replied some thing like, you have to remember that YOU are the answer to her prayers. She prayed to find you. You can’t focus on the hardest part right now, but look at the whole picture and the future you will have together.

So how do we do it? Weather you are a birthmom, birthfamily, or adoptive parent, it is a hard question, one that you will find out for yourself. But if it helps, I think you should change it to Why do we do it? Love, You love her pure and simple, and remember that you are the answer to her prayers. Love her, just love her.