Back to work.

This week I went back to work after having three months off for Max.  Though it didn't feel like a vacation and it was so crazy busy the whole time it was a sweet blessing to be able to have that time off  to spend with my new son and little family (if I hadn't had it off I don't know how I would have made it through this time- honestly).  The last week I have been extremely worried and stressed about going back to work.  There have been some huge changes while I have been gone.  They started a new computer charting program in October.  I was trained on it but that was back in July so six months have passed and I couldn't remember anything.  There had been some changes on how we did report and policy changes just to name a few things I now had to remember or relearn.  If that wasn't enough I was worried about Mike and how/if he would be able to do it all and work too.  We figured out the best possible scenario:  Maggie would be picked up by our friend to car pool to preschool in the morning. That way he would only have Max to deal with until almost 1pm. Maggie would take her nap until 3pm and that would mean that he would only have 2 hours to have to keep two kids occupied (which he could stop work and finish when I got home if necessary).  I did everything I could to help. I had Maggie's lunch done, clothes picked out, and hair done in a way that it would stay in for tomorrow and not look to bad (I started thinking why don't I do this for myself to make the morning so much easier).  I didn't sleep much that night as I was so nervous and worried.  When I would manage to fall asleep, Max woke up.  Little monster woke up 4 or 5 times that night, guess he knew something was up. 

I woke up and was just getting ready to leave when Maggie woke up.  She was upset that I was going.  I hadn't even thought that she would have a hard time as this was life before Max came and she was fine.  We snuggled for awhile and she almost made  me cry.  I miss my babies when I'm gone (when I have time to that is).  On the way to work the butterflies started.  I told myself to stop being silly, "Mary Anne you have been doing this for almost 14 years now.  You know how to take care of the patients and the charting, well who cares about the charting you will figure it out weather it is to day or tomorrow.  You can do this!"   Work ended up going very well.  I didn't feel so lost as I thought I would with the charting and only missed a few things even after a crazy end to my shift with patients getting sick.

As I walked out of the hospital I felt oddly renewed, refreshed, happy, and almost back to myself (which until that moment I hadn't realized I hadn't felt that way for a while).  I have felt consumed and overwhelmed by all the things I needed to be doing, all the things going on in the family, birthmoms, and friends lives.  I have felt like I couldn't breath at times or take time for myself.   For 12 hours I had focused on strangers and their problems all of which had nothing to do with me or involved me in anyway. I had a routine, I took care of them, and I stuck with it then  said good bye and walked out the door and leave it all there.  I didn't have time to think about me, my family, our birthmoms, if I was teaching Maggie enough, if we were all bonding well with Max, or how I was going to get everything done today with cranky kids.  I just worked.  It filled my needs as I wasn't emotionally vested in the situations I was involved in, I could just walk away at the end of my shift.  I smiled as I walked to my car, I felt loved by my Heavenly Father, and I realized that the He knows me and what I needed. I have felt guilty that I work away from home, but know now that I don't need to.  I am doing what He wants me to do.  It may not be right for others but for now it is right.   I thought He still wanted me to work as a way to help pay for the adoption (as we are still triing to pay on Max's), to share the gospel, and serve others while doing so.  Come to find out all those are true, however for me to be a better wife and mother, I also needed some time doing something I love, away from all of the family/friends needs, wants, and problems.  I needed to miss my kids and husband.
I got home and walked in the door.  Maggie met me with the biggest smile, hug, and squeal of "Mommy I missed you"!  I went in to find Mike and give him a big kiss.  I said hello to Max who instantly smiled huge and squealed with delight and a laughed not taking his eyes off of me as he was unable to sit still.  Oh how I missed them all.  If this is how it feels to come home to them, after a long days work,  it was so worth being gone for a few hours.