Hope

So, once again it has been a month since my last posting. Were does the time go. This time I do have a very good excuse. I had surgery a few weeks ago. I know most of you would have been hanging out on the couch updating your blog. No not me. I went out 7 days after surgery (don't tell my doctor) and hit all the black Friday sells. Oh how I love a bargain! My mom gave out before I did but lets just say I paid for it the next two days. For those of you who didn't know, I had a hysterectomy. There I said it. It is now out in the web world for all to see. Needless to say having this done weeks before I turn 34 and never being pregnant has been a very emotional thing for me. I cried like a baby the day I sign the consent papers at the doctors office. It was like signing divorce papers with my uterus. I have known for months that this was needed as my uterus has betrayed me once again and started a little family of it's own with pre-cancer cells. SO to make a long story short, the doctor said it was time to use it or loose it. Since we have tried to use it, unsuccessfully for 11 years, there wasn't much of an option unless I wanted a ticking time bomb inside me.
As hard as the last few months have been I have learned a lot about myself , God, and grief. See, I thought that I had grieved many years ago the fact that I would never feel a child grow inside of me. I had moved on and was happy with my new path in life. I love adoption and the miracle it is in my life. In fact here we are starting the process all over again, and this happens. All I could think was why am I freaking out about getting ride of my uterus. After months of beating myself up about this I finally talked to our caseworker (wonderful guy). He helped me to realize that grief isn't something that you go through and you are done (bumber) but something that you continue to feel and soon it becomes an old friend that visits every once in a while. It was ok for me to be sad now.
I did a lot of soul searching and I found that it wasn't the uterus so much as I was upset about loosing Hope. As long as I had a uterus I had hope that a miracle could happen and we to could be one of those very rare couples that after adopting and years of infertility get pregnant. Not that I believed it would happen but it was just something I held on to that made me feel better. I felt that God was taking away my hope and boy was that hard.
So here I am two weeks out and a funny thing has happened, I still have hope. Funny how when that last glimmer of Hope that you have been concentration on for so long goes out, you notice a new glimmer emerge and take it's place. I have hope in life, the life of my children. I also have a greater clarity of how I want to help change the way people look at adoption. I have peace that this is the path that God wants for me. I have been chosen to be a mother through the miracle of adoption. I may not be able to feel my child grow withing my uterus, But I have felt the love for our next child start to grow inside me, inside my heart. A miracle how a trial can become a great blessing because of Hope.

I'm not sure why I'm sharing this, but felt that it was important. May be it will help someone someday.